I miss you!  / Meme (Meme)
It's just not right Kamdyn.  Yesterday was really bad.  I miss you so much.  I seen a lady yesterday with her son and grandson, he was your age.  The son and grandson came to work to see grandma and when they where leaving the little boy started crying and holding his arms out for his grandma and saying her name, "Meme, Meme" it brought tears to my eyes and I had to turn the other way.  I remember those days and how I miss them so much.  She had to go back out the door and give him another kiss and tell him she would come and get him on Saturday and he could spend the day with her.  Only if I could come and get you and spend Saturday with you.  I miss you soo much and it still hurts as if it was yesterday.  No one knows the how great the pain.  My hearts aches.  I lady walked in from out side yesterday and made the comment to me, " Breathe every breath like it was your last today!"  Because it was so nice outside yesterday.  That brought tears to my eyes too!  Only if she knew what we have been thru.  All I could think about and see was you.  The images that I want to go away forever.  Kamdyn, I love you and miss you little guy so much.  Any one that's reading this my think it dumb or stupid or think man she's got a problem.  I don't care.  I'm not dumb and I am not stupid and I don't have a problem.  It's called pain and it hurts from the tip of my toes to the top of my head.  My heart is broken into.  It's to the point, I miss my grandson.  I don't like all of the what if's....I don't like the "was"  and "did" or the "use too" words.  Why can't it be he is and we are going to.....I don't know the answer and I will never know it.  Only one person does and maybe someday 2 will know.  I love you Kamdyn!  Meme xoxoxo Close

Pain and Anger  / Meme (Grandmother)

Kamdyn, 

Everyday that goes by not a one goes by that I don't think of you.  Tears come to my eyes everyday thinking about you.  Wondering...visioning what my little man looks like now how much you must have changed.  Hearing the sounds you use to make that would be words and sentences now.  Kamdyn I miss you sooo much!  The anger is heartbreaking...the only way I can explain it is to tell you what I told Papa.  I just want to get something or take something and tear it to shreads or punch something until it is in shreads!  Just scream to the top of my lungs until I can't scream anymore.  I hurt.  My heart hurts.  My body hurts.  I miss you!  I still don't know why, why you and why your family.  The month of July I wish would just vanish and go away over night and there would never be another July as long as I live.  You birthday is coming and then your passing is coming.  Happiness to saddness.  One extreme to the other.  I know that you gave me so much happiness, your smile, your hug, your laugh, your stinky butt, your kisses, our naps, all the time we spent with one another I miss so much.  You are my buddy and my pal you are my angel.  It will never be the same my life as changed so much without you.  Nothing matters like it did in my life.  Big things are little things now.  My body is numb.  It knows what pain really is now.  It just needs to learn how to heal itself.  To make itself get thru the days without being so upset.  I think of you and tears just start rolling done my cheeks.. happiness and saddness.  I guess Kamdyn I know that you are in a better place and everything up there is suppose to be good and pain free. But is it?  Because it's really painful down here....everyone goes on with their days from one day to the next....some are more sincere and understand life better then other and some just don't give a shit.  Only to make those that dont care to stop and see what they have in front of them and make them relize what they have for the moment.  Because those moments soon become memories.  Some sooner than others....I know little man.....you where in every moment of our lives and now I cannot forget the memories you have given to us.  All the good memories.  The memories of you have made us all grow.  In good ways and bad.  I am still waiting to have that inner peace.   Daddy talked to me one night and told me not to worry and just to think of him as if you were gone on a long hunting trip.  And that I would see him soon because I would come home to him.  That gave me a peace and made me accept and not have the grief that I had.  It was a calming dream.  I awoke at peace.  I had a dream about 3 wks after you left us. You called me and I answered the phone from a sound sleep you said, "Meme"  I said, "Hello"  I found myself wakening to answer the phone and relizing it was only a dream.  But I did hear you, your voice!  Only to hear it again.  I love you and miss you and I know how fast moments can turn in to memories if only others could relize the same.  At anytime one's life can completely change.  My life as change over night twice now, how many times can it happen?  I can happen over and over we are only here for a short period of time.  Some shorter than others, which does not make sense to me.  Someday it might but right now it doesn't!  I don't understand it at all.  We are so lucky to have the memories that you left with your family.  But for right now at this moment it just doesn't make sense to me why you left us so yearly and why we didn't get to have you here with us longer.  I love you and your memories will never fade or go away.  I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I hurt so bad!  Meme miss you so much! 

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Lost for words....  / Laura Green (new friend )

All I can say is my heart is so broken for you and your family! I have a son that turned two this past December and I'm a stay at home mom and I know that there is day's that I want to pull my hair out and question if spending every moment is worth it. After reading about you Precious little Kamdyn it is so much clearer how lucky I am and how I should take ever moment I have and treasure them instead of questioning them. As your July date comes upon you ,I will be praying for you and your family.

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A PAIR OF SHOES  / Meme
A PAIR OF SHOES

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.



~Author unknown

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A Bereaved Parents Wish List  / Meme (grandma)
A Bereaved Parents Wish List
(Author Unknown)


I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.



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It's just so hard!  / Meme (Grandma)

Kamdyn,

I'm writting this to you because today was the worst day ever!  I miss you so much Bubby!  My heart won't stop hurting!  I try so hard to go on, I tell myself I have to.  I know I do.  But just doing it.  It hurts!  I go downstairs first thing this morning to get the Easter basket and eggs that we used to take your Easter pictures with, for Talon and Cash to use to get their pictures with the Easter bunny taken.  There it is, hanging from the ceiling with nothing but memories running from the sides of it.  I didn't even want to touch it because the memories that we had together with the basket.  I know it's just a basket with eggs.  Then there sat your high chair with dust and cob webs all over it.  It made me break down into tears.  It's just not fair.  Why?  I keep asking myself that question over and over again.  I decided to leave the basket here I couldn't do it!  Then we get to the egg hunt and all the little kids running around picking up the eggs I could see you picking them up and smiling so big.  Tears started rolling down my checks.  We put Cash in the truck and he's already to go.  He falls asleep he was being such a good little boy.  Then we get to your house and Talon's asleep on the floor.  He's already and in the truck and now there's an empty spot in the back seat.  That's where you should have been.  We have Cash, Talon and then an empty set.  That was hard very hard.  You should be here with your baby brother and your cousin.  You should have gotten to see the Easter bunny today and went on the egg hunt!  I love you and I miss you so much!  I think of you every day.  EVERYDAY!  Not a day goes by.   Give Grandpa Shorty a hug and a kiss.  Daddy if you can hear me, I love and miss you too so much.  Please watch over our Kamdyn.  This as been a really hard week, I have memories of you leaving us too going thru my head, this week makes 31 years you have been gone.  It's seems like yesterday still.  I miss you too so much.  I wish you were here with us.  Why me!  Not just one person that I was so close to and love so much but 2 people taken away from me and my family!  It's really hard to loose your dad and then to turn around and loose your grandson too.  Why? Why? Why?  Daddy I know that when you passed away it made me a stronger person and now I still trying to find out the reason for Kamdyn leaving us so soon.  He is just a baby!  Please send me the comfort in a message from the heavens from above and help me find the reason.  I love you both and miss you both so much. 

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I LOVE YOU KAMDYN, DADDY, UNCLE SHORTY, PA AND MA  / JANET BERRY (3RD COUSIN )

KAMDYN,   I KNOW UNCLE BOBBY (MY DADDY) HAS FOUND YOU BECAUSE THAT WAS THE FIRST THING HE TOLD YOUR MEME AND MOMMY THAT HE WOULD DO IS TO FIND YOU AND GIVE YOU A KISS FROM THEM!  SO I KNOW HE IS THERE WITH YOU, COULD YOU PLEASE GIVE HIM A BIG HUG AND KISS FROM ME, TOO AND TELL HIM HIS BABY GIRL WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM AND WITH EVERYDAY THAT PASSES I MISS HIM MORE AND MORE!  I AGREE WITH ME ME NO MATTER WHAT OR HOW MANY PEOPLE TELL YOU THAT IT GETS BETTER WITH TIME, IT DOESN'T YOUR HEART JUST BREAKS MORE AND MORE!  NO MATTER HOW MUCH FAITH WE HAVE AND THAT WE KNOW YOU BOTH ARE IN A BETTER PLACE (HEAVEN) AND YOU  HAVE NO MORE PAIN DOES NOT MEAN OUR HEARTS ARE NOT BROKEN!  THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS  US GOING IS THAT ONE DAY GOD WILL MEND OUR HEARTS BACK TOGETHER WHEN WE SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN! I KNOW HOW MUCH YOUR ME ME LOVED YOUR GRANDPA SHORTY AND HOW MUCH HER HEART WAS BROKEN WHEN HE WAS TAKEN FROM HER AND THEN YOU KAMDYN,  HER APPLE OF HER EYE, HER FIRST GRANDSON, WOW, WHAT ANOTHER PIECE OF HER HEART WAS TAKEN! NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND!  ALL I CAN SAY IS WHAT A LOVING PERSON YOUR ME ME IS!  SHE LOVED MY DADDY SO MUCH TOO AND I KNOW A PART OF HER HEART WAS BROKEN WHEN HE WAS TAKEN TO HEAVEN JUST AS IT WAS WHEN PA AND MA WERE TAKEN ALSO!    KATHY, JUST REMEMBER NO ONE REALLY KNOWS YOUR PAIN BUT OUR LORD, JESUS, AND ONLY THROUGH HIM ARE WE TO UNDERSTAND THAT ONE DAY WE WILL BE TOGETHER WITH HIM AND ALL OF OUR LOVED ONES AND I TRULY BELIEVE THAT KAMDYN, MY DADDY, YOUR DADDY, PA JOHN ALLEN AND MA VELDA, AUNT BETTY ARE ALL IN HEAVEN!  I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR GETTING ME THAT CD FOR CHRISTMAS, IT REALLY MADE ME KNOW THAT DADDY IS IN HEAVEN, I KNOW BY ALL OF HIS REACTIONS RIGHT BEFORE HE DIED THE LIGHT, THE SEEING OF LOVED ONES, AND I KNOW HE FOUND KAMDYN FOR YOU AND TOLD HIM HOW MUCH HE IS MISSED AND LOVED!  NOW, MY COUSIN, MY FRIEND , WE JUST GOT TO LEAN ON EACH OTHER AND PUT OUR FAITH IN JESUS AND WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH UNTIL OUR TIME! THE PAIN AND HURT WILL NEVER LEAVE BUT OUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER HAS GROWN!  THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING HERE FOR ME! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!  YOU ARE THE BEST COUSIN AND FRIEND A GIRL COULD ASK FOR!  LOVE YOU ALWAYS,   JANET

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My Dad, Bobby  / Janet Berry (Cousin)
Kamdyn, My dad has arrived in Heaven on Saturday, Nov. 24th, 2007 at 11:28 pm!  Would you please give him a GREAT BIG KISS & HUG for me and tell him How much I love him and Miss him! That he will always be with me everyday! Also that Mom misses him very much but he can rest because she will be taken care of and I know he is watching over all of Us.  I know you and him are watching the Chiefs together now!  Tell your Grandpa Shorty, Pa John Allen and Ma Velda Hello for me,too and everyone else too!  Make sure you all save room at the Hooper/Hinton table for us also because sometime soon we will all see each other again!  Tell my dad Heaven must of needed another HERO and that is why God took mine but now Daddy is my Angel just like you are Me Me Kathy's Angel! We will watch for your signs from Heaven and when I hear the Christmas music this year I will know that it is you and my Daddy, and everyone singing from Heaven! Now go , and visit with my Daddy and remember to let him know How I miss and Love him! 

                   Love forever my Angels,  Janet (Bobby's Baby Girl) Close

I miss you so much my little angel!  / Meme (grandma)
I miss you so much!  Only to be able to hold you and give you a hug and a kiss!  Watching your brother Talon grow brings back so many happy memories of you and me together.....the fun times we had together....Sonic you playing on the slide and being a big boy with your own cup and riding with Meme on her motorcycle and you waving at all the cars that went bye and waving at the cows in the field.  Me thumping her helment so you wouldn't go to sleep but you did anyway.  Kamdyn, my heart is broken I miss you so much Bubby!  Meme loves you so much!  And misses you so much!  I love you Angel!  xoxoxox Close

Thinking of you handsome boy and your family  / Rosemary Sis Of ^j^ Alvin Cremeans
Hi Kamdyn and family,
I was just over to Carol's web site (scrapbooking) and saw your handsome baby boys scrap-page which brought tears to my eyes. It is so precious. I just to come meet your little man and let his family know how very sorry I am for your loss. I am really touched by the love throughout the pages of his web site, it is obvious that he is loved so very much. I know you miss your baby boy but hold tight to the beautiful memories until you are re-united one final time that will last forever and ever. I will try to visit your site Kamdyn often and I will be praying for your dear family. (I hope you will stop my brothers site and light a candle when you feel up to it.)
hugs and prayers,
Rosemary sis of Alvin Cremeans
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my heart goes out to your family  / Glenda Wall

 I can not tell you how sorry I am for your loss, I have 2 boys, I cant imaging your sorrow, My sister lost a son 4 months before his 16 th birthday, our family was devastated. I hope Im not saying this at a bad time, but I think you should contact an attourney and consider legal action, your doctors missed this and it did not have to be this way, forgive me please!! im just so upset for you, when my son was a baby, he got sick, we thought it was just a cold he couldnt shake, but it kept getting worse, he had to be put in the hospital, and his pediatrician consulted a specialist to look at him, he discovered a  cyst in his throat that was caused by a breathing tube inserted after his premature birth, this cyst was discovered at around age 2 and 1/2, the doctor said if it had not been removed, he had a 50/50  chance of living past the age of two, because the cyst was blocking his airway, thank God our ped.... called in a specialist, when she couldnt figure it out on her own,  the cyst was rare, and they used a video camera down a tube to photograph the problem cyst, it is now used as an instructional video for med students. I would be where you are right now, had my dr. not called in a specialist, I just think Dr,s have an obligation to check out every way possible to not dismiss a parents concern. I know nothing can bring back kamdyn, but perhaps the story being out there will save another family from this tragic loss,  think about it, you could save someone from this heartbreak.   I hope I did not upset you by letting you know all this,   best of luck to you and yours, Glenda

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1 year today  / Meme (grandma)

Kamdyn,













Love,
Meme

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the 4th  / Meme (grandma)
Kamdyn,

I miss you but you know that.  Today is a hard day, I have memories of us together last year that will always make the 4th hard knowing it was the last holiday we had together.  Us swinging and you blowing bubbles, going to Pleasant Hill to watch the fireworks and you getting scared and not liking them.  I think that was the only thing that you didn't like, except food when you were not hungry!  

My heart aches for you the pain I cannot explain.  I know that a year is coming up but it seems like 10 years because I can't squeeze you in my arms, but then it feels like yesterday because the memories are so fresh in my  mind.  All I can do now it keep telling you I love you and I miss you and someday we will see each other and hold each other once again, to only have you in my arms now!  I have tears everyday thinking of you.  Last month was your birthday and you are 3 now, last month you baby bother was born and your a big brother now, this month Sonic open in Lone Jack and we can't ride there to get our pop and your ice cream.  Kamdyn I miss you and love you from the bottom of my heart.  My heart is still so broken.  I seen the butterfly flying around my head the whole time I was pulling the weeds from the flower bed.  I find the pennies and think of you.  They have been in some of the strangest places.  Please keep watching over us and send your momma lots of kisses and hugs and your Aunt BB.  If only I could reach thru this note and pull you back home again......God please help me be stronger!  I miss our baby! Close

Happy birthday although it's a little late, Kamdyn!  / Dawn, Stepmom Of Alexis Farmer (friend, connected by angels )

Kamdyn,

Hey buddy, I'm sorry I'm a little late for your birthday!  I've been away.  I'm sure you and Alexis and your other friends had a blast up in Heaven.  

And what's this I hear about being a BIG BROTHER?  Wow!!!!  You and Talon look so much alike.  I sure have missed seeing your cute little face.  

Well time for me to get to bed.  Send some angel kisses and hugs to your new baby brother and mommy and daddy and meme and the rest of the family.  

Love ya bunches babyboy,
Dawn

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Happy Birthday  / Meme (grandmother)

Today is going to be a day from hell I know!  It's not right that you are not here with us to celebrate your birthday.  To think Kamdyn you are 3 years old today!  

I love you!  Happy Birthday!

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A lil note for Kathy  / Mandy Leaman (friend of Kathy's )
Dear Kathy
You may remember me as the only ever brit's hair you've cut! I was so very sorry to hear your tragic news. Kristen sent me this web site and I wanted to leave a little message. He was a beautiful little chap and will remain so until you are all reunited. Words are pointless to even try to describe what you have been through. I will tho leave you with my favourite poem ever...

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

I hope to be in Lone Jack this winter and will come for a haircut and bring some brit M&Ms

Hugs to you and yours Close

Kamdyn / Meme (grandmother)
Kamdyn,
I want you to know that this month is so hard.  Your gonna be a big brother in the morning.  Only if you were here.  This is going to be so hard.  In the sonogram today we got to see Talon's face.  His cheeks are just like yours!  

YOur birthday is coming up next week and you are gonna be 3.  I see other little ones that are going to be three and it just breaks my heart.  

God I still don't understand why you chose my Kamdyn.  Our sweet little baby boy.  That was such a good baby and happy baby.  Please help me understand.  

I pray that Talon is a healthy little man. I know that I can't handle any more heart break.  Kamdyn I love you!  I miss you! I want to kiss your little ears and tickle your belly and hear you say my name.  But I know that will only happen when I am sleeping and you blow me a kiss.  I will see you in Heaven some day I know but it just seems to long.  Give grandpa Shorty kisses for me.  I miss him so much too.  I love you both. Close

closer / Meme (grandmother)

My little baby boy, it's getting closer to your birthday and it's getting closer to that day.  Your birthday is coming up soon and you will be 3 now.  To only see you and to hear you talk.  To wonder what you would look like now and how you have changed.  I will never know only God knows.  It only seems like yesterday that you were taken from us not even a year.  A year sounds like such along time to have not gotten to hug you or kiss you and to see you.  But in one way it only seems like yesterday.  I miss you so much and love you to pieces.  Your baby brother will be here soon and it's so hard to think he's never gonna know his big brother.  But Bubby we will tell him about you and show him your pictures and he will know and learn who you are.  

I go to the cemetry to make sure everything is okay where you are at and as I stand or sit there I look at your flowers and clean your headstone.  Making sure everything is just right for my big boy.  Lately it's been really hard because as I am there by your side I have these thoughts going thru my head.  I know you are there you are there below me under my feet and I can't see you.  I don't want you to be there I want you to be in my arms and I want to hold you and squeeze you tight. I know I can't and I just can't stand it.  It hurts so bad.  I just stand or sit there and cry until I can't hardly breathe.  I cannot explain this feeling only to say that I can't stand it it hurts so bad.  My heart hurts from hurting so much.  A little old lady came up to me today while a was fixing your things to tell me that it always looks so nice.  Her parents are across from you and she had been watching from the day you left us.  She knew it was a a child that had been burried there and knew it was a little boy.  I was talking to her Kamdyn and we were both standing there crying.  You have touched so many hearts I can't even begin to tell you how many.  Which that is special and it's a good thing but I just wish you didn't have to leave us to have done it.  You touched people's hearts while you where here with us too.  You are a special little baby that I will always keep dear in my heart, your Meme loves you and will always have you close.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't cry a tear for you.  There's a new angel in heaven today I'm sure he's found you.  You thought alot of you too.  Rusty your family is my thoughts and I can't believe you are not here.  You are a really neat person.  Keep your arms around my baby and don't let him go far.  Daddy I love you too!  I miss you.  I know you are having  just a big play time with Kamdyn.  I remember all the fun and special times we had together.  You are always in my heart.  Maw and Paw and Betty I am thinking about you too.  My family circle has been broken in more than one place and sometime in the future it will be whole again. But for now while I am still here and you are there we have to keep telling ourselves to be strong. I have to tell myself that every single awakening day!  It's hard but I know that I have 2 girls that need me and need me to be strong so that they can be strong.  I love you all and miss you so much.  Kamdyn kisses and hugs!  Give grandpa Shorty lots of them from me too.  I love you! 

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Thinking of you this Mother's Day  / Dawn, Stepmom Of Alexis Farmer (connected by angels )
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